Maestro Reiki

Why do children bit their nails, suck their thumbs or have other small habits parents find annoying? Even though the specifics reasons of why are not always known, the general reason is very common. The child gains benefit from it.

Now, you could say “yeah, but why do they not stop it”. The reason is because the benefit they gain is more important to them by doing the behavior than it is by not doing the behavior.

Think about this for yourself for a moment. Would you rather do things that give you love, attention, a good feeling inside and comfort, or would you do things that gave you the opposite? Do not get confused between the behavior and the benefit.

The benefit is always seen as a positive benefit to the child. Sometimes they will get the benefit from acceptable behaviours. Other times they get it from non-acceptable behaviours.

The reason may not be clear to the child. It is often stored in the subconscious and not easily accessible by the conscious mind. When they suck their thumb and you ask, “why do you do that behavior?” they will not be able to say or they will respond with “I want to”.

So what can you do to help them change it? Here are 5 steps you can use to help your child change:

1. The child may not always be able to explain what benefit they receive. If you ask every now and then, they will think about it and many children eventually come up with the reasons why! Alternative questions you can ask when the child does not know what benefit they get is: “if they did know what would it be?” or “just make it up and tell me what you think it could be”? Ask what go you get out of that behavior? When you ask this question you are not saying to the child you are wrong in what you do. If you ask it in a curious way, then you can also get your child curious so the child can think about.

2. Find something your child really enjoys doing that is linked to acceptable behavior. Say the child likes the draw and paint. When they are doing this activity or behavior, observe whether they do the unacceptable behavior, such as thumb sucking or nail biting. Usually they do not. This means the child gets their needs or benefits meet from this acceptable behavior.

3. Who is someone the child looks up to who could be a role model? Make sure that the person they pick does not have the unacceptable behavior you are looking at your child releasing. As you get the child to talk about this person, check that they see this person as important for acceptable reasons. Then help the child see that this person does not do the unacceptable behavior.

4. Find a place your child likes to play. It could be a room, a park, by the beach, a playground or anywhere else. If they like to play there it usually means they feel safe in that environment. For a child to change, they need to feel safe and security in the knowledge that it is ok to change.

5. To assist the child in releasing the unacceptable behavior and replacing it with acceptable behavior, have your child sit down, close their eyes and begin to daydream. You can lead your child through an imagination session where they becoming the person they see as important, from step 3. Have them imagine as they dream about being that person, that they see the other person doing only acceptable behavior. Help the child realize that the person does not do the unacceptable behavior. Next, have the child imagine they are in that place of safety like in step

   4. Have them really imagine they are there. While in that safe place have them see them doing the activity from step 2. Have the child realize the unacceptable behavior is not welcome in this fun, friendly, safe environment. As the child understands, they begin to let the unacceptable behavior go. Then you encourage the child to let it go completely. You can say to the child, when they leave the nice dream place, the unacceptable behavior will finally go away and it does not need to come back. The child can still have the benefits it gave by doing the acceptable behavior from step 2.

A child’s imagination is very strong and helps them to learn and grow. You can use this to benefit your child as they develop and move through their life.